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©2017 BY THE OBERLIN SEXUAL INFORMATION CENTER. PROUDLY CREATED WITH WIX.COM

The Way He Touched Me (a poem)

CW: sexual assault

 

i can't move
peanut butter and super glued mouth
walking through molasses
time seems 
slower

 

when i remember
i lose the ability to
function
you took my voice from me
maybe with you
i never had one
in the first 
place

 

sex should be
Beautiful
bodies intertwined
heat and depth
soft voices and soft words
eyes closed
head thrown back
Passion and
Love and 
Lust and

 

but for me
a dark tint surrounds
the word
full of sharp edges 
ugly and painful
stuck in a never ending loop

 

Somedays i am stuck in those moments,
Envious of a life i am no longer living, the past
Xeroxed into my brain, a painful wound that won't disappear
U said you loved me so it made it okay
And i didnt know i could say no
Let me touch you

 

And i didnt want to make you mad
So i let you
So i loved you
U traced my skin and i said nothing each
Love, or so you said, bite is tattooed into me, an infection that
That will never heal

 

maybe i didn't want to
maybe i thought i was ready
maybe i wanted to be ready

 

“It will be quick”
“I'm not mad, just disappointed”
“But you said you wanted to”

 

i never said no
so does that mean
im okay?
i never said stop
so does that mean
im okay?

 

“loving” touches
incinerate 
i sit in silence
his fingers drag against my skin
every touch burned
into my mind

 

i loved him
why was that not
enough?
why was i not
enough

 

you told me you wanted to come over
i prayed to a god that i didn't believe in
i hoped we could go somewhere else
somewhere public
every “date” was the same
in my room
you would kiss me
    Even when i was sick
    Even when i was depressed
    Even when i didn't say i wanted to
but i loved you
so we would kiss
you pull me on top of you
you grab my chest
suck on my neck
vampire teeth
monster smile
i say nothing

 

they lied
when they said
the monsters are supposed to not see you
if you are silent and
still
i wanted to be invisible 
untouchable

 

you asked the question
and you knew my answer
but you asked anyways to
wear me down
i tried every excuse
    i don’t know
    maybe later
    i want to but…
    my family is home
    my family will be home soon
    this part of the movie is good
why was it not
obvious?

 

places
sounds
memories
i can't escape the past
    the scent of the bodywash you used when you got in the shower with me
    the bedsheets we lied on 
    early mornings when everything was silent, including me
    that lingerie i wore to make you like how i looked
when they touch me, it now always
hurts 
my ghosts wont leave me alone
they live inside my skin
the phantom of me
the me before
you

 

i wish i could (have) be(en)
Loud
Fierce
scream so ferociously it 
echos
throughout your ears
even when i am no longer
shouting

 

i have sewed my own wounds now
the stitches do not lay
neatly in a row
they are bumpy and raised
and slightly crooked
but they are mine
i put myself together
and it may scar over
but it will not 
define me

 

i still can't move
peanut butter and super glued mouth
walking through molasses
you took my voice
but you cannot take
my Words
and you cannot have
me

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